VII

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be shite,” and there was shite and God said the shite was good.

These are the humble beginnings of the promised land, the Messy-anic kingdom, Jer-doo-Salem. This is the fabled home of the Arc of the Covenshit, which holds the original bathroom toilet stool, known in the ancient Aramaic as SQÜÄTTŸ PŌTTŸ.

From the descendants of Strain & Able emerged two warring factions. Strain begat the Doos, the “chosen” people, who violently and trenchantly defend their claim to the Squatty Potty on the Temple Mount, crown jewel of the land of Milk & Magnesia.

From the loins of Able erupted the furious Shits and Poo-nis, collectively referred to as the Mus-runs. The Mus-runs show their unending devotion by praying, prostrated, five times a day in the direction of Meta-mucil.

On the westernmost edge of the Temple Mount, the Doos gather daily for myriad religious activities, including the grotesque ritual of the Bar Shitzvah.

Who is the rightful potty-squatter? The most learned scholars and holy tomes offer no answer to this age old mystery. Meanwhile, the Doos and the Mus-runs spend their days trading ass-trocities at the Wailing Wall, as they bomb the bowl, launch butt shuttles and trumpet their trousers in a raucous cacophony of Hershey Squirts.